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Maybe if I smile more people won’t cross the street when they see me. But how can I smile when the roads are so cold? How can I feel joy when I know that unseasoned chicken is still running rampant on the dinner plates of the nation? How can I smile when I’m in such desperate need of a shape up? What man can be happy when uni boys are still dipping their genitals in people’s drinks and calling it banter? Yorkshire still hasn’t been razed to the ground and you want me to smile? It’s 2014 and we still don’t know who let the dogs out. My nose is perfectly triangular and the illuminati still won’t cut me my check. Girls are going to De Montford Uni and letting sports teams run a train for free entry to a rave and a packet of super noodles. Macklemore has a Grammy and you wonder why my face is screwed up? I look like 75% of the Ghanaian national football team and you want me to smile? I’ll smile when Wayne Rooney has an IQ to match his seasonal goal and assists tally. I’ll smile when Arsene Wenger plays Ozil at number 10. I’ll smile when Nicki Minaj remove the implants out her butt. Until then I’m screwing my face up because this world ain’t right.

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